So, officially, the job is over. Tomorrow I fly home. I got a bad cold but I am looking forward to coming home, and I hope I get the week off so I can take my dad to the airport.
Here's what happened:

I should have known, had I heeded the signs, and thus been prepared for all the unpleasantness this job dealt me. But even as my luggage got lost for a day, I still hoped that things would get better; even as I wandered around WalMart at midnight the day I arrived, looking for the bare necessities, I still thought that this job would be providing me with some experience. Well, the only experience I got is being able to put this job on my resume, the one that says "yeah, I was there" but elaborates no further because there is no further elaborating to do.

Yes, yes, I know, as a Buddhist I should be better equipped to deal this than most- as a Buddhist I should a) have no ego so I can't be hurt b) not be bothered by what others think of me as this is merely their interpretation or assumption of who or what I am and not the reality. But you know what? I am only a novice, a little and rather green grasshopper, yet unenlightened and so as vulnerable as the next person. My only difference or relief being the view I can choose to have. I felt humiliated and unfortunately showed my opinion to the innocent person. When one of the RP's (or HP) came up to me and greeted me referring to me as the "Divers' Tender" all my held in emotions spilled. "No. I am a diver who tends, just like them, except I have not been diving and they have not been tending." It was simple to me. I wasn't mean, trust me, I just felt humiliated, not by him, of course, but by the people I work with and the people who put me in that situation. I was upset that after 3 years of work and 15 outages, I was once more put in a position that is sorely clear to me- one where all those supporting our work end up as seeing me as merely as a tender, a helper to the divers and not actually one of the divers. This does have repercussions, because then the divers start seeing me as not quite at their level and then I become a little less in their eyes.This repeating story goes like this:

When I arrive at a nuclear plant for a job and the people we'll work along with see me, they assume I am an assistant, tool person, or tender. Some may ask "Are you a diver?" but most just say "You're with the divers right?" When I clarify "I am a diver." then they move on to the second phase.

Second phase is undue attention, fascination and incredulity. So they start asking just about every time they see me "Are you diving tonight? When are you diving?" This soon becomes a daily question. As the job progresses (And this has happened 3 out of 4 Connecticut jobs) they stop asking because time after time I am not in the rotation. If I happen to start diving, the story ends here when they see I am just like all the other divers.

Phase Three is when I do not get to dive and the questions end and they revert to the conviction and no longer assumption that though I may think I am a diver, obviously I am not enough of one to be used on the current dive and am more of a tender. And that is how this process culminated the night I responded to the RP.

That this job had some setbacks which set us off our intended plans is true- but it ended up looking like it was all played out based on favoritism. From the days after the luggage event when our Sup. Assigned to crews and a "lead" to help set up the dive station and get things going to the actual dive rotation it became painfully obvious that something was afoot. When the "leads" were assigned, one of my work mates, hired about the same time as I, was made lead of one group and thereafter pretty much the main diver of that crew, as was the other lead of the group I was in. This guy (my group's lead) did a fantastic job that is not the issue at all, but though he has 5 years offshore exp. I have my 3 years exp in the very field we are working in (Nuclear), this is my 15th Outage, and I am full time employee of the company while he is a free lancer hired 6 months ago on his 4th nuke job. Full time employees really have nil motivation to stay; but that is fodder for another blog another day.

When I mentioned this to the Sup he said not only that I was looking too much into it (and at the time I thought perhaps I was) but also that I would have plenty of chances. The only chance I had all job was to be TENDER!!!!!!!

Every night my job was to tend. We supposedly broke into the two crews I mentioned (Crew A and Crew B) and so A and B would take turns of approx 4 hrs each working so that one night crew A had two turns to dive and work on the fuel floor and the next night crew B (A,B,A,B,A....). But as it happened, every night I ended up making two entries, spending 8-10hrs on the floor while every night one or two of the other guys would get approx only 4 hours on the floor and the rest of the time sitting around. And as I mentioned, I NEVER got to dive. This begs the question, if someone is doing 90% of the work and someone is sitting out most of the time, who do you think is most likely to get blamed for what goes wrong or breaks down? And then who do you think gets looked at as not doing a good job? AH, that would be Mr (or Ms) 90%.

I know my feelings or perceptions, being my own, are tinted and could be wrong, but I always end up feeling like they want to see me as a fuck up. One of the Sups will point something I did wrong or didn't do on a daily basis, and though someone else in the crew may be in the SAME position as I, that person gets told nothing. NOTHING. If something got messed up, most of the time if a guy did it, nothing was said of it (to others or even to the person who did it). The two mess ups I had ended up on the daily brief!!

I hate to say it but I guess this job is taking it out of me. I guess nothing in life comes easy, but I never expected it to be this hard, not after 3 years! I've always had a bit of an issue with self esteem and confidence, but there was never a connection between my confidence and my perception of my intelligence and abilities. I always felt I was sufficiently intelligent, and able to do what I set myself to do. Today, that gap has been breached, today I am not confident because I feel I am not as smart or able as I thought I was.

This is what has been hammered into me by some since I entered this field. And every time I get past that and think, "Yes, I can do this" then I see their attitude, their approach of me, their comments and I think "wait, maybe they're right, I can't."

So which is it? Am I wasting my time here? Are they wasting their money?

After 4 jobs under Connecticut supervisors I have only actually been a diver on ONE! The other one I dove in because I forced myself into the dive rotation and managed to get one dive in. You see, I don't believe that I should have to ASK to be put in the water. Especially if I participated and dove in the training. Especially if I passed the training and Westinghouse accepted me on the job. Not one other person had to ask. Not the guy who was on his first nuke job and 6 months out of school, not the free-lancers, not the 19 year old kid, why should I? What makes it different for me? And how can they all not say anything or see anything wrong with this?

When some suits had to be washed, who do you think was asked to do it? Even when I was paired up to do this, it was with the one other guy who got the short end of the stick and was fucked over by the Sups.

How can you not say this is discrimination? Tell me now if you think I am not capable as a diver so that I can either improve or stop wasting my time and your money.