I will write more later... today was not a good day. I just want it to be over, to sleep and wake up and put some distance between me and my lackof understanding, my sensitivities and this world that's so hard to comprehend at times. I just did not have a good day on the emotionale level, and in my case, the professional level. I am done with trusting someone, I am done with forgiving and hoping that certain people will show themselves for the better. I will explain later. I don't expect anyone who reads this to understand. I love what I do, I just get tired of questioning myself and finding that the world I live in makes it soooooo hard for me to be a buddhist. It is as if everyone's behavior were in direct contradiction of everything I am learning from Buddhism. Is this because it is so right, or because it is so deluded in thinking people can possibly have more depth to them to make them better. How can I avoid having an ego a sense of self and where I fit if it is beaten and pinched and lowered on a daily basis by my coworkers and supervisors. Buddhism says that you are not what people see you to be, I like to believe this because I KNOW that the people I work with see me as a lesser being. But my western upbringing and mentality fights my new Buddhist ways and nastily says "Hey Kyra, don't you think that if everyone treats you like you ar enot worthy of respect or of being better it IS because you are not worthy of respect and you are not as good as you think?" That is what the voice says to me. And saddly, I don't even think I am all that, I just like to think that I AM part of the team, an important one who can hold her own. ....
I will continue this tomorrow and explain where this comes from. I am beat tonight, and too bummed out. I had a blow to my self esteem and it hurts !