Pachinko parlor, Japan, Sunday morning 6-11-09

Sometimes I catch myself being a little more aware of myself and who I am, what I'm doing. This isn't the good kind of mindfulness, I wish. It's that deep seated desire to be discovered. I think we all have it, a lot of us anyway, or we wouldn't have so many blogger sites, we wouldn't be so eager to spill the beans on who we are, what we do, what we look like. That proverbial 15 minutes of fame, we all crave it, lets face it. Used to be I'd imagine someone was watching me, the right kind of person of course, not a stalker (ironically, the right kind of person won't waste his time spying on someone right?Ironically, the love of my life, my husband, barely ever looks at me). I knew that I'd never catch someone's interest on looks alone, I don't have them, not the captivating kind anyway. I knew that the only way I could ever be noticeable was through my actions. Even so, they are still not loud enough, right enough, good enough. All I have to stand on are my own achievements. I catch myself wondering what a little moment in the realm of the popular would be like; after all they have a way of glamorizing everything, why can't what I do be interesting enough? I hope that I can find the words, experiences and voices to help me write the book I want to write, and make it interesting enough for people to want to read. That's a gamble, but it feels, cheesy I know, that that is the essence of life.

Right now all we ever look at, all we ever idolize and glamorize is the beautiful. We watch them and live their lives vicariously. We love and admire and fawn over the pretty faces. Pretty is a prerequisite for anything special to happen. Just watch hollywood movies, TV shows, from reality to series,magazines... Lucky for us there are still movies being made in other countries, with ordinary looking people who have extraordinary things happen to them, including love. But given the obsession with the beautiful people, I will say this: I do admire Angelina Jolie. She stands alone and apart from the rest of those perfect pretty little faces, because she uses her inner beauty, her money and her power to speak up for children, and hopefully this is one person others will listen to. She is one person I really admire.